Silly Bible

It’s kind of freaking me out how good the Bible is.  My co-worker ended this semester by really challenging our team to dig more deeply* into a book of the Bible.  To this end, I’m studying the book of Philippians.  There are two things that seem to happen pretty consistently every day in my study of this book:

Thing 1: About 20-30 minutes in, I sigh loudly sit back in my chair and pout about how I can’t get anything deep out of the Bible.  This then usually triggers a memory about the Holy Spirit and how He ‘allegedly’ enables me to esteem the things of God (like His words) and actually understand and treasure them in my heart.  So I pray and somehow (thanks HS) dig again with renewed vigor, eager to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty with the prepositions, verbs, nouns and odd mixture of letters that make my God known to me.

Thing 2: I stumble across something that seems very pertinent and impactful in my life and usually begin clapping or dancing (literally) with excitement before the pouting sets in again as I begin to doubt whether or not I just made something up that really isn’t right at all.

It’s great.  i love God’s Word. A LOT right now.  Which is a big fat answer to prayer.  Taking the time to dig deeply and ask questions and not give up and memorize and meditate is certainly fruitful.

During the last week of my Defending our Hope class this semester, we had a guest speaker do a Q&A.  It was amazing.  I was convicted and challenged about how much I stand on conclusions deduced from principles instead of the words of God. I don’t want to stand on the words of my past teachers, or my pastor, or my elders.  I want to stand on the words of God.  I want to know God’s word so deeply that I am not defending the theology of my church, but the theology of my God.

At the end of the lesson, I asked our speaker to give one last word of encouragement to our class.  He said that the most important thing any of us can do with our time on earth is to know God.  There is no pursuit of money, character, success that is more valuable than knowing who God is: what He likes, what He desires, what He hates, what makes Him angry.

Our speaker said that nothing matters as much as knowing God as He really is.  We do not get to define or describe God.  He is not shaped by our perceptions of Him.  He is not spoken into being by our thoughts or words – instead, we are spoken into being by His words.

I want to know Him.  He’s real.  He sits here with me now in this coffee shop and is as present as the guy sitting at the table to my left.

So I dig deeply.  And I beg the Spirit to give me the grace to sit still for more than 20 seconds to dig into who my God is; to hear from Him; to be challenged and encouraged and loved by Him through these pages.  It’s sad.  I can sit still for a 24 tv marathon for hours on end.  (Once I did 13 hours in one sitting).  How is it that a hero like Jack Bauer can capture my heart more easily then the Messiah?  How can a fictitious man become more compelling than Emmanuel (God with us)?

Oh, my sweet Jesus.  You surely know how little I value You.  You alone know how little I truly long to know You.  Please, by your great grace continue to change my heart.  Spirit- give me the gift of desiring You above all.  Let me be a woman who stands on Your word.  Let me be a woman who is shaped by what You say about me; by what You say about You.

Even in this, even in Bible study- Your Gospel becomes my only hope.  I am not able.  I am more entertained by tv then drawn to You.  But I praise You that through the Cross You paid for that obscene idolatry.  I thank You that Your resurrection bought for me a new heart that can be formed by You to long for the things above.

“Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ, and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith”

“Faith comes from hearing and hearing from the Word of God”

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*This is what I mean by ‘dig deeply’: I’m imitating/adapting John Piper’s Bible study technique presented in ‘mining God’s word’. It’s swell.  For anyone who is interested, here’s my cheat sheet:

PART ONE – BACKGROUND:

• Read the entire book in one sitting several times
• Make a list of everything you learn about author and recipients
• Make a list of everything you learn about occasion (why did the author write)
• Make a list of everything going on with the relationship between author and recipients
• Identify the purpose of the letter (what did he hope to accomplish)
• Create an outline for the text (making division based on when the authors intent changes)

After all background is done, do observations and interpretations for each of the divisions in your outline.

OBSERVATIONS:

• Create a sentence flow
• Record your observations
• Discern the main point
• List relevant questions
• Check cross references
• Paraphrase the logic and seek out logical relationships in the text
• Examine a particular word
• Compare translations
• Theme investigation
• Commentary

APPLICATION:

• Identify the authors intent
• What does this teach you about God (Jesus)
• Receive the application in comparable situations
• When no comparable situation seek out the enduring principle
• Look for the means and motivations of obedience
• Test against scripture/tradition and teaching

Our God saves

And God’s movement continues.  The search is ongoing and I am praying that this morning would bring my brother back to us and his bride.  I am filled with hope of witnessing a miracle with my very own eyes, and seeing how the world responds!  But I do not wait to see God’s glory.  I see it already.

Just had word that the parents of the pilot were contacted this morning by the father’s employer.  He was weeping.  He had opened the Scripture to pray for the pilot, and he said ‘the words came alive’ for the first time in his 57 years.  He said he has been a Sunday school teacher and thought he knew God, but this morning for the first time he read the scripture about the word becoming flesh and he said his heart ‘came alive’ in Christ Jesus.  He said he finally understood Jesus as the hope of his life.

This is our God.

Had word again about the head of the navy who spoke with the family yesterday and was lost for words when he heard of the civilian effort.  The family tells us that he acknowledged with his mouth that this God we worship must indeed be a mighty God.

The is our God.

As I sit here, the mother of the pilot is singing worship hymns to us over the phone.  The atmosphere is filled with anticipation.  O Lord – let this be the day.  Continue to bring us stories of your glory.  We love You.  We look to You.  We desire to see You.

This is our God

I got here just in time for a prayer vigil last night. man, oh man.

My friend stood up with a steady voice and looked into the eyes of her missing fiance’s squadron brothers and informed them that we would be spending the night covering them with prayer. Tomorrow they will be back in the air and some of them do not know Jesus.

They came to be supportive of her and the pilot, and it was almost humorous to watch their response as she gracefully and boldly turned the tables.  She stood up and with calm clear words she thanked them for their support but informed them that God was actually her support.  She hadn’t asked them to come to support her, but rather to prayerfully beg God to give each one of them the same firm foundation in Jesus Christ that her fiance held each time he stepped in a plane.

We continue to plead with God to answer our prayers and deliver Joe – back to his family – eager to share the glory of God and testify that this is our God.

We prayed deep into the night and early as the sun rose.  I confess it is frightening to ask for so much from God.  I am not afraid of being disappointed with the outcome as I am afraid of being disappointed with God.  I see clearly now that I have protected myself, under the guise of ‘faith’ that asks for nothing and expects nothing.  As long as I never ask anything, God can never seemingly ‘fail’ me.

The words I see in the Bible seem almost embarrassingly bold and clear.  I read in James 5 about the power of prayer.  I hear Jesus in Luke 18 encouraging us to pray and not lose heart.  Faith moves the heart of our great God.  Prayers have purpose. I think that true faith would be an expectation without fear – knowing that God can never disappoint.

So, this morning, I am tired and I cannot imagine how tired my dear friend must be.  I cannot imagine how tired Joe might be.  I just know God is being glorified.

I sat beside my friend last night as we read scripture after scripture and prayed with brokenness, leaving it all at the foot of Him who saves.  I pray that today would be the day.

We read Ezra last night.  We read the story where the faithful children of God find themselves in a bit of a predicament.  They need protection, but they don’t want to ask the King.  They’ve already told the King and all his armies that their God will protect them.  So instead, they stop and fast and explain this to God, begging Him for help.  They have told the world that He is good, so they ask Him to reveal that and protect them.  He does, of course.

We ask the same thing.  The world is watching.  The news is watching.  The navy is watching.  The squadron men are watching.  We want to see You silence their doubts and make them to marvel at the might of our God. We know You are always good and that You alone have nothing to prove – but oh God, rise up and reveal the power of Your name.

My friend’s words this morning:

Father thank You for Your message of salvation. May this story You have written in these past 7 days show the world the great lengths You go to find the lost & bring them home to You. This relentless pursuit of Joe is symbolic of Your relentless pursuit of us. You love each person so much you desire their eternal rescue. You are the God who saves our souls from death. You alone are worthy. Thank you for finding me.

There is no God but God.

Man oh man.  I am writing with a humbled heart.

My dear friend is in trouble.  She joyfully agreed to marry the man  who ‘even I’ couldn’t find a fault with in terms of his love for Jesus.  I received my ’save the date’ and scribbled the wedding date in my planner.

And Wednesday night, as she put together plans for that day, her fiance went to work.  He is a navy pilot.  Around 3:30 they lost contact with his plane, and called her later that night.  Nobody knows what happened.  Joe’s copilot’s body has been recovered, but he is still missing.  Today is day 6.  The air search has been called off.  And I don’t know what to do.  Which makes me imagine how my dear friend feels.

But in the midst of this weird and awful and surreal situation, God has shown up in might and power.  On Friday morning I drove into Houston with a heavy heart.  I expected to meet with a teary eyed woman and a family (his) that would be utterly broken.  Instead I found myself in the midst of a worship service.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  They sat around the table reading scriptures, laughing at memories of him, and dreaming about how avidly he must be clinging to our Lord.  At one point the room got still and silent and then his mom burst into a worship song – proclaiming the greatness of our God.  When I got there they had just learned that the names would be released to the press, and so they asked me to pray for them to have wisdom and to be able to clearly point to Christ if they spoke with the press.

Each navy officer who called was met with the Gospel.  His mom had the phone on speaker so I could hear the awkward officer try to graciously manage the fiery woman as she challenged him to talk about his faith.  We laughed with that kind of bubbly joy laughter and praised God.

I have never seen faith like this.  I have only read about it in the new testament.  It wasn’t naivety, it was faith.  They weren’t unaware of the gravity of the situation, they were just aware of another reality.  They were just aware of the bigness and greatness of our God.  And I was reminded, that for all my theology, I still don’t understand what it means to come to God as a Father.  I still don’t know what it would look like to trust Him enough to ask boldly for desires.  I still try to ‘cover’ for Him in my prayers.  I’m still afraid to pray as boldly as this family prays.  I’m still afraid to expect God to be God.

My dear friend understands God’s ways are higher than ours.  She understands that she is not deserving.  But she understands something I don’t – she understands that God is able and good and our Father.  She looked me squarely in the eye and said ‘i don’t ask this of God because I’m entitled, but because He is so good’.

And so, on day 6, I come trembling before His throne again.  And crawl into the lap of the Creator of Heaven’s and Earth.  And ask my Dad for a miracle.  I don’t qualify my prayer.  I won’t cover for Him.  I won’t allow circumstances to convince me that I’m asking too much.  I will instead look to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.  I will look to the one who prompted David to cry out in the Psalms that He would protect his physical life and I will look to the One that answered that prayer.

I will believe with my dear friend.  Oh Abba, you know I don’t have her faith.  You can see through my ‘theology’ to see that in my very core I am afraid to believe in Your goodness.  I don’t come to You because I am worthy, but I come to you because You are worthy.  And I don’t know what to pray.  I know you have the ability and sovereign power to save him.  I know you have the capacity to end this today.  Oh and Abba, I know you have the goodness to bring him to his bride.  I know you are a God who does not delight to create widows and does not take joy in parents loosing their children.  I know you are kind and good and gracious and merciful.  I know what I’m asking for is no more of a miracle then what you have already done in Joe’s heart and in mine on the day you made us alive from death.

I ask boldly.  No, I ask like your kid;  like you’ve told me to ask.  Dad.  Please.  Show us where he is.  Make him safe.  Make him alive.  Make him stand at the altar in less than two months and testify of just how mighty You are.

We will trust You in all things.  I know You don’t ask us to doubt what You’re capable of.  Put more faith in us.  Save Joe, as you saved David – so that the world would look and know that YOU alone are God.

In the words of my dear friend this morning:

“Oh God- it IS darkest before dawn. We cannot know sweet grace without tasting separation’s deepest abyss. Oh Lord be gracious I beg You. I need You. We bow at Your feet & lay on our face. I cannot move from Your presence & will not escape Your ray of hope. Who am I to speak for You created the world & everyone in it– including my Joe. We knew from day 1 that YOU designed us for each other with every last detail in mind. You are my Maker, my God, my Refuge, my Friend, my Provider, my Protector, my Father, my all. I look to You. I ask for rescue. I ask for You to finish what You began & fulfill Your purpose of glory. May Your name be made great among the earth & may all come to know YOU are the God who saves.”

unreached

I’m sitting on my couch, trying to look up ‘unreached people groups’ on my phone because I don’t have internet.

I have to do this tonight.  Because I think there are only a couple of things that I really know right now.  I mean, there are only a couple of things that I don’t just ‘say’ I believe, but things that if I’m wrong about them, this whole life thing is worthless to me.

Thing one: I want Jesus to come back.  More than anything.  So much that right now when I think about it there’s a physical tightening in my chest.  And it’s not just an excitement or anticipation (although it is that) – it’s almost physical pain.  It’s an anxiety without fear or need; a desperation or longing.  I guess the Bible calls it a groaning.

And if there’s something I could do to speed His return – I’m in.

Thing two: I want to see lost people get saved.

I want that.  Because just the idea of it feels me with this weird joy, and I’m starting to think that just as my truest happiness is found in Jesus, the practical implication of that might be that my truest happiness is found in being in His will.  I’m starting to think – because of the weird joy that fills my heart when I think about the lost getting saved – that my only hope for that kind of deep and lasting joy is to throw off all this stuff that keeps getting tangled around my legs, and just freakin run already.  To get to see lost people get saved.

Here’s what I want, and this might be thing 3:  I want my sister to worship with me.  For eternity.

I ache for her to come home to Jesus with me.  And I guess it makes me think about how much God must ache for His children across the world.  The children who are tucked away and hidden from obvious view of the Gospel.  Hidden away because God – in His great grace – has ordained that we go and tell them.  He has ordained that His people take word of His rescue plan to His kids.

If there were a group of children in slavery right now in Botswana, and some judge came to me and said – “hey, we have some great news – those kids can be free.  We just need someone to go and tell them.”  I’m not sure I would be like – well, I hope someone goes.  I mean – I can’t cause I have to go to school, or because I have a job…but surely someone should let them know…

I’m not sure I would sit on my couch and watch TV knowing that those kids were in chains – not because they had to be anymore – but because no one would go and tell them that salvation has come.

I guess that somewhere deep inside, I must think that freedom from physical chains is more real then the Gospel.  I guess somewhere deep inside I must think that earthly freedom is better news than the freedom that lasts for eternity.  And that is a lie.

God has children in every tribe, tongue and nation, and He has sent Jesus to bring them home: their freedom has been bought, but they are still in chains right now.  Why?  Because you and I have the news of their freedom, but we would rather sit on our couches and watch tv then let them know of the hope that is in Christ Jesus.

Right now.  People are dying.  And you and I have the truth that saves.  And we lock it inside of us; scared to even share it with our family or coworkers just in case they get offended.

This Gospel thing is either true or it isn’t.  If it is – then it is the only thing that matters.

This ‘work’ of telling the captives that they can now be free isn’t left to someone else.  You don’t have to wonder if it’s the call on your life.  If you are a believer – it is. We are the ordained messengers.  We are called out to be God’s ambassadors.

That’s the truth I can’t get around tonight. I am supposed to be the one.  I’m supposed to be the one to pick up the phone and tell my sweet sister that I love her, but it’s a drop in the ocean compared to the love of the Father.

I’m supposed to be the one to tell her that it is time to come home.  That our Dad is waiting.  With open arms.

I’m the one who is supposed to tell the world that there is a name that saves.

And supposed is the wrong word.  I’m not ‘supposed’.  I get to do this.  I am the one who has been given the greatest message that ever came to earth.  I’m the one who has been given the joy of getting to spread the news.  It’s grace.  It’s grace that God would send us.  It’s grace that you or I – as wretched as we are – would get to go.  It’s grace that I get to have His name on my lips.  I’m ‘graced’ to get to testify to redemption that was bought with perfect blood.  I’m ‘graced’ to be the one to go.

God – give me the grace.

Confession #21 [of a prodigal pharisee]

Confession # 21

Sometimes I only turn to the Father when all my other options fall through

“After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in the whole country, and he began to be in need…When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!  I will set out and go back to my father…”

That’s from the Bible.  But it sounds like it could be from my journal – just change the ‘he’ to ‘i’. I wish that my journal read a little bit more like: I never leave the Father’s side or I get to the gate and then realize that I love Him more; that at His right hand are pleasures forever more.  But the sad truth is that sometimes I exhaust all my other options before I turn back to my perfect love.  I create cisterns to hold water, but they don’t work.  Even as I see they don’t work – I don’t throw in the towel and return to the living water, I just keep plugging the holes and trying to make it work.  It’s only when I’m dying of thirst that I go home.

Since I’m both a Pharisee and a prodigal – I manage to connect to the older brother and younger brother here.  Quite an accomplishment.  You see – I judge the younger brother here.  I feel like there should be an expiration on repentance.  And I don’t feel like it counts if that repentance only comes when there’s no other option. 

But the irony is that I AM the younger brother.  I can see that clearly.  I see clearly that I only turn back to God after there are no other options, and even then – left to my own devices I would still stay at the empty and broken cistern trying to make it work.  Even when there are no other options – I don’t turn back to God.  He has to come and rescue me and overcome my desire to hang out in the pig pen. 

So it’s kind of crazy and frustrating that I judge others who are in the same position I am. 

The only hope for us?  His gift of Faith.  What ultimately leads the younger brother back to the Father is faith in future grace.  He believes that the Father can provide a better life than the pig pen.  He believes that the Father offers more hope. 

May God grant me that same faith.  May I wake up tomorrow believing that at His right hand are pleasures forever more.  May I wake up tomorrow and by His grace  believe that there is more joy by His side than on any grand adventure.

thoughts on things being hard (August 27)

Okay. So, a lot going on in my head tonight.

It’s been quite a week.  I am emotionally exhausted and let me tell you – as someone who has a hard time admitting I can be emotional – that is saying something.

I have honestly had jobs where I would never think of crying at work, (believe it or not current co-workers!) But my current job is not one of them.  Working at a church will make you less professional than anything else in the world.  Because to be good at what you do at a church, you have to be constantly reminded by God that you’re not good at anything.

After two years I know that my best fruit, my best days have been those days when I am so leveled that I don’t just ‘know’, but I actually ‘believe’ that apart from His grace, I am bankrupt of all skills, gifts, insight, talents.  And those are actually the most joyful days.  It’s the days leading up to those ones that can be a little more challenging.

So I have days where I cry.  Because it’s hard. I don’t mean that it’s hard getting to do what I do, I mean that it’s hard being faced with your own sin nature and being faced with sin in others who you want to be a testimony to the idea that we can outgrow sin.  And then they don’t testify to that.  And so you cry.

And then you see that maybe they testify to something better.  Maybe they – maybe I – testify to a God whose grace is bigger than I dared to imagine and deeper than I dared to hope: sufficient to save and sufficient to sanctify. 

And maybe we testify to the power of God to use broken vessels.  And maybe we testify that God is our qualification and His Gospel is our resume and His Spirit and His fruits are our encouragement and assurance.   

Honestly – I’m thinking maybe ministry is like marriage.  I don’t know because I’ve never been married (but I am currently accepting proposals )  I’m starting to think that because family is a weird and crazy thing. Family can feel like the best thing in this world, and the hardest thing ever.  And I work with my family.

There might be nothing better this side of Heaven then the way I spent my day today: sitting in a coffee shop with people I respect and who would honestly die for me, and who I think I might really die for, and talking about God and His promises and making plans to tell others these things.

I’m sure in marriage there are days where you think – there is nothing better than sitting here with my partner, watching our kids and worshipping God. 

But, I imagine marriage isn’t like single people imagine it – all rosy and glossy.  And in the same way – ministry isn’t like I imagined it.  It’s not all rosy and glossy.  Satan is real, and the fight is hard, and sometimes you feel lonelier and less qualified and more hypocritical than you ever knew you could.  Not most times, but sometimes.   

And you know what? It’s okay.  Because we’re gonna finish this thing.  By God’s good pleasure, we’re gonna finish this.  And for as long as this call is on my life, I am going to pray for the perspective I always want married people to have.  I look at them and I can’t believe that they don’t seem to know how crazy blessed they are, to get to run this race with someone right by their side. 

And that’s me.  I am so crazy blessed.  For however long God gives me this gift, I get to wake up and go run this race with people right by my side – people who run with all their hearts – people who REALLY love Jesus.

And this is my God, this is my Jesus: the Jesus who wakes me up to that reality.

Dear Diary…

Eight years ago I became a Christian, and I thought you may enjoy my first journal entry written with a regenerate heart:

What a fool I’ve been.
God has been a comforter to me- a safety net- a possibility.
I have stayed awake wishing for a love so beautiful it would leave me speechless- how could I miss the love so beautiful it leaves me breathless?
I want to serve you.
I want to follow.
I want to live everyday to do you work.
I feel born again- I see more clearly than I knew was possible.
Glorious God.
Blessed be your name.

That’s neat.  I had so many dreams then.  Dreams to bring glory to God through acting, or marriage, or writing.  And here I am – 8 years later – and my life holds none of those dreams fulfilled, but I can’t find regret in my heart – just gratitude.  For a Father who has made a Covenant to protect me, even from my dreams; a Father who has given me new and greater dreams; the Father who has promised to keep me in Him and bring me into the sweetest joy possible – enjoyment of Him.

I’m really glad He delights in His glory and that He will act for His name sake.  That surely is the greatest gift and promise I have.

Confession #20 [of a prodigal pharisee]

Confession #20:

I sometimes feel like I’m the only one doing this wrong (or the only one who doesn’t have it all together)

There’s encouragement in the lives of the saints.  That’s what I’ve learned this week.

There are ways that both the younger prodigal brother and the Pharisee in me both want to be unique.  The younger brother enjoys the attention that comes with uniqueness and the Pharisee enjoys the unique strengths in me that bring me praise and respect.

There is a time of ‘uniqueness’ though that both the prodigal and the Pharisee abhor.  The kind of uniqueness I despise is the kind that makes me feel like I am the only one who is failing.  I hate the aloneness that comes with feeling like everyone around you is walking in perfect purity while you stumble along groping for the landmarks that will give you hope that you’re still on the path.

I spent the better part of yesterday reading about the early years of Jonathan Edwards. It was heartbreaking and beautiful.  I was reading about his early conversion and he seemed so crazily delighted in the Lord and so quick to pursue Holiness with every fiber of his being.  I read his resolutions with tears running down my cheeks.  Mainly because my journals used to be filled with the passion and intensity of his words and now I long for that desire.  I fell asleep pleading with my Father: God, stir my affections.  Make me to delight in you.

I woke up feeling…I don’t know.  Better? Closer to Jesus? More eager to stand in His Word but still disappointed that I am not what Jonathan was.  Afraid that all believers should be able to sit down with Johnny and say – I know what you mean!

I think what made me so sad is that I could recall the days when I pursued sanctification with more passion than I had ever pursued anything in my whole life- and I’m a passionate gal.  But, if I’m honest, these last few years have been…different.

And I guess I just felt like I must be doing this Christian thing wrong – and I must be the only one.

But guess what?  God is so crazy good.  Because He encourages His saints.  And He uses His Saints to encourage His Saints.  And we are not alone.  He quiets the Pharisee part of me that is freaking out that I might be behind the curve, and assures me that I haven’t missed some major memo on Christian sanctification that everyone else received.

You see – I got to the next part of my book (my biography on Jonathan Edwards).  It was actually kind of a poetic moment.  I was sitting in the kitchen and began to read the next chapter and as I turned the page it started to rain: fat and slow drops.  I watched the slate tiles in our front yard turn dark as the water left it’s stain.  And I turned the page and I read about the next part of Jonathan Edwards’ life.

The book began to tell of JE’s reflections on his walk with Jesus.  The writer was telling about the next evolution in his sanctification. Turns out Jonathan felt (when looking back on his earlier resolutions) that he had pursued his holiness ‘with greater diligence…than ever [he] pursued anything in [his] life, but yet with too great a dependence on [his] own strength, which afterwards proved a great damage to [himself].”

Oh gosh.  How much those words ring true.  How much I pursued with vigor the image of the Christian I wanted to be – but with so little understanding of God’s sovereignty and with (as a result) so little intent – or rather ability – to give Him the glory.

When I read from JE’s journal, I felt like it might be my own:

“Though it seems to me, that in some respects, I was a far greater Christian for two or three years after my first conversion, than I am now; and lived in a more constant delight and pleasure; yet, of later years I have had a more full and constant sense of the absolute sovereignty of God, and delight in that sovereignty; and have had more of a sense of the glory of christen, as a mediator revealed in the Gospel.”

Amen and amen.  And Amen for a God who is faithful to put my testimony in another persons’ life so that I could combat the lie that I am alone in this, or that the shift in my walk is an indicator that I am failing to persevere.

And JE is not God.  He’s just a man.  But the peace that floods me reminds me when I read those words, that God is going to finish the good work He began in me – and if that depends on me for a single second – it will fail.  The only hope I have of seeing this Covenant through is that He will fulfill my part as well as His.

It may not be your testimony.  But here’s what I’m starting to believe – there is a story of a saint that is so familiar that it takes your breath away.  There is a friend, or a believe who you will be having coffee with one day (whether it’s in person, or through some biography), and they will share their heart with you and before they can finish talking you will feel the hope spilling over into your face from your heart because the words resonate in places that make you feel less alone than you knew possible.

You may not relate to my testimony in this silly blog, or JE’s words, written over 200 years ago.

But maybe these words you can relate to:

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world…But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith.”

Confession #19 [of a prodigal pharisee]

Confession # 19:

I sometimes fail to expect amazing things from God

This is kind of an inverse younger brother/prodigal confession.  This is one thing that the younger brother seemed to grasp that I find myself unable to get my head around.

I was in class on Sunday and a friend of mine pointed something out about the younger brother in the Prodigal God story.  while he manages to screw everything up, in the midst of his questionable decisions, there’s one noteworthy characteristic: The prodigal approaches the Father with crazy expectation.  And his expectation reflects that he thinks his father is pretty darn gracious and generous.  At the beginning of the parable he just rolls up on his dad, expecting a fortune.  I guess he recognizes something in the Father’s character that makes him believe he will do something this generous.

Then, when everything in the brother’s life falls apart, he wonders where he can go and he remembers that his father treated the hired men kindly.  Were I to ever find myself in the prodigal’s shoes (in a pig pen in the middle of nowhere), my assumption might be that any normal middle-eastern father would never let their child set foot on their property again, but the younger brother seems to have a different expectation.  Again – he knows something about the father that leads him to believe that his home is a place where he can return to be met with grace.

I’m not trying to say that the younger brother is right to abuse grace or disobey the Father.  But when my friend pointed all this out on Sunday, I gotta admit I was challenged a little.  She commented on the level of expectation the younger brother had for the father and wondered why we – who have tasted firsthand the grace and kindness and majesty of God- expect so little of him.

While my tongue proclaims God is gracious and all powerful, my prayer life reflects that I don’t expect Him to be these things with me.  I think of my prayers as impositions.  I am worried about wording them just right so that He can tell how much I revere Him and how I humble I am (pat on the back).  My real requests are obviously too foolish to bring before the throne so I try to plan out more ‘godly’ ones.  As if it would be possible to have a request that might be worthy of our God unless it was a request of His Spirit anyway, and as if He would be displeased or disappointed if a child of His came to Him with a request from the heart.

We find ourselves unwilling to treat Him like a Father because it would require us to acknowledge that we are children; that we don’t know everything – or even anything. We are too full of pride to admit that we are helpless to help ourselves and we are unable to even know how to pray or what to pray.   I wish I could see myself as the child I am.  I wish I could go before the throne uninhibited, able to expect that I will be met with grace because He is a great and gracious God.

I remember this story about Alexander the Great.  He had this guy in his military who he favored as his own son.  The young general was getting married and so Alexander the Great said he would throw the wedding and foot the bill for all the expenses.  When the wedding planning was complete, the general came to Alexander’s financial advisor with the bill.  The financial advisor was appalled (maybe he had some Pharisee tendencies).  He couldn’t believe high outrageously high the bill was.  As it seemed to him the young general had taken complete advantage of Alexander the Great and needed to be penalized publicly for the insult of assuming this amount of debt.  The advisor went before Alexander the Great and showed him the bill and asked what kind of punishment he would like to inflict on the young general.

Alexander the Great simply replied that the young general paid him a huge compliment.  The financial advisor was thrown, and asked the King to clarify.  A to the G explained that the young general obviously thought very highly of his King.  He found Alexander to be either exceptionally wealthy or extravagantly generous – and both of those assumptions were filled with praise.

I guess what I’m wrestling with today is that my prayer life reveals what I believe about my Father.  And if I’m honest, my prayers reflect that I think my Father is powerless or stingy.  I’m afraid to ask him for what I want in case He finds it offensive, which robs me of the opportunity to point to His faithfulness and wisdom.  Is He not wise enough to trust my requests with?  Is He not faithful enough to do what is best for me?  Is He not generous enough to bless me beyond my limited ideas of blessing?  Is He not powerful enough to do more than I could ask or imagine?

Is He not a good Father who delights in His children and delights to give good gifts?

Today I pray I would approach the Father as if He is the Father I know He is: perfect, kind, gracious, Holy and good.  And even that prayer – which is riddled with wrong motives and twisted intent – I trust to a Father who knows my heart and knows my good – and will act on my behalf for His glory.